What it Really Means to Feel Seen and Heard
Although the phrases “feeling seen” and “feeling heard” are very similar in sound and meaning, they contain a key difference — one that can lead us to greater insight about how we connect with others.
Photo by Pankaj Prakash from Unsplash.
Discovering deeper connection in our words
Sight and sound are two of the eight physical senses of the body. Our eyes and ears are close together in the head, but positioned at 90º angles from each other. They take in complementary information, reinforcing what we perceive in tandem.
To say that we feel seen or feel heard by someone is a metaphor that draws upon this deep, embodied experience of what it means to see or hear.
Making meaning from what we experience
Looking at any interaction more closely, we might find three layers of meaning: literal, pragmatic, and personal. These are woven together, giving our words more reach, depth, and resonance.
What you find in a dictionary — the literal meaning of our words
This literal meaning refers to the non-abstract, shared understanding of our words. It’s what you might find in dictionaries or reference texts. It often lacks context or nuance. When learning a new language, this is what you learn first.
What you find in context — pragmatic understanding to take meaning further
Pragmatics is the study of how context contributes to meaning. It answers the question, “What are we really saying here?”
For example, when I say, “Wow, that TV is really loud!”, it’s possible that I’m making literal commentary about my experience of being in the room. However, saying that while my partner is watching TV, with the remote control on his lap, I’m doing more than stating a fact; I’m making a request for him to turn down the volume.
The words we choose and how we choose to say them convey more than their literal meanings. This makes metaphor possible, too.
In the example above, if I said, “Wow, it’s a rock concert in here!”, the request is embedded in a metaphor frame. It’s still understood as a wish for the volume to be lowered and not poetry or an observation about the room.
Language can get complex like that, with multiple layers of meaning.
What you find in your past — personal meaning brings it home
Through a lifetime of experiences, we develop idiomatic meanings for words and phrases — personal associations that go with the literal meanings and the subtext of what was said.
Growing up, I frequently listened to music loudly in my room. My parents rightly (and repeatedly) complained about the noise. They would admonish me, saying things like, “Children should be seen and not heard.”
Consequently, when I say to my partner that it sounds like a rock concert in the room, I’m reminded of my parents and how we might start sounding like them as we age. Making that particular request has a personal meaning to me which is not necessarily known or shared with others.
Three levels of meaning in “feeling seen” and “feeling heard”
When used in speech, feeling seen and feeling heard have more or less the same common meaning. In both cases, they refer to being understood by someone else in a significant and empowering way.
Pragmatic understanding helps us not take everything literally. It lets us use the physical experiences of seeing and hearing and extend them as metaphors for describing the embodied experience of understanding. It’s what enables us to understand that feeling seen isn’t about feeling stared at, nor is feeling heard a commentary on our ability to successfully deliver a message.
And lastly, personal meaning brings it all home. What it means for me to feel seen or heard will be different than for you.
Two sides of the same coin
If “feeling seen” and “feeling heard” are so similar in meaning and usage, then what exactly is that difference and why does it matter?
I argue that “feeling seen” and “feeling heard” are two sides of the same coin.
On the face side of the coin, “feeling seen” is about identity. To feel seen is to feel understood for who you are.
A participant in Slack channel said it best:
“Feeling seen is about ‘people respect and see my identity and way-of-being-in-the-world’; feeling heard is about ‘people respect and listen to my perspectives and lived experience’”
On the flip-side, “feeling heard” prioritises the message. This side of the coin focuses on what is being shared between people. To say you feel heard is to be understood for what you’ve said — usually centered on a specific point, argument or expression.
And because language is the medium of that expression, it is fleeting. Once the message escapes the body, it is out there in the world and open for interpretation.
‘Feeling heard’ is when someone else receives the message and sees themself in the words. I believe this is what Simon Foster alluded to in ep #268 of The Coaching Inn podcast:
“Perhaps being seen is about someone else […] and perhaps being heard is the process of me recognising who I am.”
In this example, he’s describing the idea that being heard is about shared understanding or agreement in what’s been said.
While it is the other person who is literally being heard, it is Simon who helps them feel heard, by recognising that the words ring true for himself, too.
In this sense, “feeling heard” involves two people in an exchange of ideas — one person to convey a message and another to receive it and acknowledge it as meaningful.
This isn’t necessarily the case with “feeling seen”. This was eloquently put by an anonymous contributor in a Slack discussion:
“Feeling seen” is someone else recognizing, absent my input, some characteristic or nuance that I consider part of my identity.”
In this example, feeling seen by someone does not require that person to “do” or “say” anything…they simply exist and that is enough.
This distinction highlights a key difference between doing and being as we meet and connect with others. Words do things; people exist.
Like the ears and eyes on our heads, hearing what words do and seeing how people are (in the world) are two similar but different types of sensing. To hear words is to receive and try them on for ourselves. To see another is to witness them and recognise their autonomy.
Time and space
The examples above also highlight distinctions around temporality and permanence in feeling seen and heard.
Messages are cast out from the mind at specific times and places. They are fleeting, often floating away effortlessly once unmoored from the mouths they came from. But identities are persistent — they aren’t necessarily anchored to a single moment or place, but span entire swaths of time.
This persistence may sometimes be to our own detriment, such as when friends and family insist on seeing us in ways that are outdated or no longer apply to who we are today. We might use new words to encourage them to update their understanding of us.
When they demonstrate receipt of that message, we may feel both heard and seen again. This is the coin resting perfectly on its edge — a gift given and received.
A summary of the coin and its sides
“Feeling seen” is the face side of the coin, and it highlights the identity of a person. It is:
Personal and tied to identity
Persistent; has more permanence and objectivity
Lived experience is the medium, and is less open for interpretation or debate
“Feeling heard” is the message side of the coin, and it prioritises what is being shared. It is:
Specific to a point, argument, or expression and a place/time
Purposeful — it has something to say, is more active
Language is the medium, and is more subjective and open for interpretation
Why it matters
When someone understands us deeply, it is usually because they have awakened and connected with what’s personal and meaningful to us in some way.
By exploring these subtle differences, we may be able to better understand our experiences. And if we can do that, we can foster the types of experiences we want and need — and do that more effectively for others, too.
As Claire Pedrick shared in a podcast at The Coaching Inn, there are times when we feel close to others because we feel seen, and other times when we bond through feeling heard. She reflected on this through an experience she had meeting two different people at a party:
“We talked for a little bit and she asked me a question which nobody has ever asked me before. […] At the end of that conversation I completely felt seen […] Whereas with the other person, I felt that she listened deeply to my story, but I’m not sure she got a really deep insight into who I really am.”
Word choice and phrasing in our communications may not matter much in the broader context of everyday life. We pick phrases that are good enough and if the message we intend is received well, our work is done.
It’s when we stop to take notice of the experiences we have — and those we create for others — we can start to see the importance of the small details. This can be the difference between precise clarity and something feeling uneasy or off. Or, when an experience feels utterly profound. In matters of partnership and connection, this is crucial.
There may also be times when our intention is to be less visible and to have our message be the focus. Or for various reasons, we may want to go entirely unseen. To slip into the background and let the message take center stage.
When we understand the experiences of being heard and being seen at these greater depths, we can more easily let others shine — for who they are, the message they carry, or both.
A longer version of this article was first published at Medium on Jun 14, 2023
