Stuck? Ask yourself this magic question
Background image by Melpomenem from Getty Images
A version of this article was originally posted on Medium, Nov 9, 2022.
When I was new to coaching, I was keen to learn all the “best” questions to help my clients. Now I know through experience why that’s less than helpful.
However, there is one question that stands out as exceptionally useful in a variety of situations. It’s worth knowing about, for helping yourself and others move forward.
The perspective-changing magic of ‘And if…’
“I’m worried this won’t work.”
“And if that wasn’t holding you back?”
In text this is overly simplified, but in practice the experience of being disrupted by this type of question — one that starts with ‘And if…’ in response to a troubling thought — can be quite transformational.
The power of an ‘And if…’ question lies in how it takes a core issue, temporarily displaces it, and allows you to see what awaits beyond.
Additionally, a strategically placed ‘And if’ question:
demonstrates listening and reflects back the proposition.
flips things around to a more empowering perspective.
invites possibility, imagination, and resourcefulness.
‘And if’ questions are also flexible, adaptable, and open-ended. When framed well, the question reformulates what is already known to you, pushes you to consciously notice the goals and desires driving you, and invites you to take matters a bit further to realise them.
A sampling of ‘And if’ questions
Here are some examples of “And if…” questions I might use in coaching (and in self-coaching) as a challenging response to a problem statement:
And if that weren’t true?
And if that wasn’t a problem?
And if that didn’t matter?
And if you did it differently?
And if you knew how?
And if you were successful?
And if they were fine with it?
And if it worked?
And if it felt great?
Which question you use depends of course on the situation. That’s where deep listening and communication skill comes in.
‘And if’ in practice
When I coach someone, I listen for any obstacles they may be experiencing as they share a particular challenge or goal with me. Then I may use an ‘And if’ question to temporarily remove those obstacles. This encourages us to play with possibilities; to view the challenge or goal differently, free from what may be holding them back.
Them: I’m just so scared of putting myself out there like that.
Me: And if you weren’t scared?
In this case, fear is the obstacle that’s preventing them from the thing they want to do (e.g., post on social media, present in front of an audience, approach someone with a request).
Removing that obstacle invites them to imagine what lies beyond the fear.
The obvious answer may be something like, “Well, I’d do the thing!”
But there’s more!
The question usually unlocks a feeling, desired state or future possibility.
Additional answers people often come up with after their initial response to the ‘And if’ question are things like:
“I’d feel excited.” (feeling)
“I’d be more confident.” (desired state)
“I’d do more events / sell more / take bigger risks / create workshops.” (future possibilities)
And if they can’t come up with anything beyond “I’d put myself out there”, I then ask, “And if you [put yourself out there]?”
It works because you are always meeting people where they are. Then you encourage them to go a bit further, clearing their path along the way and inviting them to tell you what they see ahead.
Trust yourself to know what you want
One of the core principles of coaching is believing that people are creative, resourceful and whole.
I believe that about you and I encourage you to believe it about yourself.
‘And if’ questions are helpful reframes containing built-in assumptions that people have the answers and that they can find them.
Which means that by asking these questions of yourself and others you are practicing the belief that people are creative, resourceful and whole — including that belief in yourself. It’s another example of reinforcing and abundance mindset over a scarcity one.
That’s how you go from overthinking to deep thinking.
And if that doesn’t work?
Communication, connection and listening are constantly evolving practices. You can always try again.
There are no objectively good questions. There are only question frames. ‘And if’ is a good one to try in some contexts. In others, a closed question may be needed. Or a clarifying one.
Or sometimes simply the space and silence to think.
Want to give it a try? Let’s hop on a call!
