Don’t Tell Me What To Do; Please Like Me!
Photo by David Clode on Unsplash
The two faces hiding behind our social interactions
Do you hate being told what to do? Are you unbothered by what people think of you?
How we relate to being told what to do and being liked is at the core of why we behave the way we do. Understanding this and how it relates to the concept of ‘face’ can improve success in your daily interactions.
Our identity, but just the face bit
The concept of ‘face’ was introduced by Erving Goffman in a 1955 Sociology paper and can be most easily summarised as “the positive social value people claim for themselves.” In less academic speak, ‘face’ is about how we present ourselves and how we wish others to see us.
Viewing our social interactions in these terms can be a useful lens for understanding our reactions to others, as well as their reactions to us.
Being autonomous vs. being liked
Brown and Levinson expanded on the concept of face in their 1987 article on Politeness Theory. They asserted that people have two kinds of face — the need to have our actions be unimpeded and the need to be viewed in positive regard.
For simplicity, I’ve labelled these as our Independent Face and our Esteem Face:
Independent Face is the part of us that says “don’t infringe on my rights; don’t tell me what to do.”
Esteem Face can be summed up as, “I want you to like me; to respect and like what I like.”
Every rational person cares about these two principles, but we vary in how much of each. This has bearing on how we react to the world around us. As we make our way, we naturally find ourselves in situations that challenge one or both of these ideas.
“You’ve got spinach in your teeth”
Regardless of how you rank autonomy and admiration, there are things that happen as we go about our days that inherently threaten one or both types of face. These interactions are usually requests or comments that challenge our independence or make us question our current view of ourselves.
Even something as simple as asking someone to pass the salt is a tiny sleight to our Independent Face. However minor the request might seem, you’re being told what to do.
Similarly, a passing comment from a loved one, such as, “Are you going to wear that out tonight?” is a light knock to our Esteem Face; them letting us know our presentation isn’t pleasing.
When it can’t be helped
There are times when these face-threatening acts can’t be avoided. Or probably shouldn’t be.
Ruining someone’s composed image of themself by letting them know they’ve got toilet paper on their shoe is often preferable to allowing them to discover it themself later.
Having to yell at someone to move is better than letting them get hit by a car.
Same goes for delivering bad news, informing others of bad breath or unfortunate clothing, unavoidably changing plans, or any other circumstance that indirectly conveys, “hey, you’ve gotta move it” or “you’re not seeing what I’m seeing here”.
Softening the blow
We may use politeness strategies such as hedges, compliment sandwiches, bargains, or polite words to soften these inherently face-threatening requests and statements.
These strategies may explicitly contain awareness of another person’s desire for independence or their wish for positive affirmation. For example:
“I don’t mean to tell you what to do, but could you…”
This statement acknowledges a person’s need to be autonomous and unregulated. Similarly:
“Hey, I really like that you are cool with [x], but it also bugs me that…”
This statement acknowledges a person’s need to be liked and respected by aligning with something favorable about them…before stating the unfavorable thing.
Because some people care much more about their independence than their esteem, or vice versa, it can be helpful to acknowledge this overtly.
What listening and noticing is good for
By listening closely , you may be able to spot what is currently important to a person you’re interacting with. You can then choose a strategy that appeals best to that. And you can choose how overt you want to be about it.
The context matters, too. Your friend about to head into a job interview probably cares much more about their presentation and appearance than their autonomy in that moment. Conversely, the dude waiting to order a drink at a busy bar is likely not going to react as favorably to being told to move, even if a big tray of drinks is coming through.
(I wonder if any bar fights could be avoided if only people were more aware of politeness theory and face-threatening acts. Probably not.)
All of this is to say that some people may be more likely to respond favorably to an imposition that is couched in an appeal to their esteem. “Hey muscles, I’m coming through!”
Others may be more likely to respond favorably to criticism by acknowledging that you’re not asking them to change their ways or be different (thereby preserving their autonomy). “Paint it however you want, but it’s gotta be red, not blue.”
Navigating the minefield of social interaction
Being aware of these social dynamics is a lot to pay attention to. It’s hard to keep tabs on who cares about which things during an unfolding conversation. Much less which strategies might appeal. Or that this can all change depending on situation and other factors.
A great place to start is to understand yourself. Once you learn what’s important to you, you can see how and where this shows up elsewhere.
For example, if you’re frequently annoyed with certain types of requests, that’s great information about what you value. What you care about isn’t typically isolated to particular people or domains. The same is true for everyone else.
Perhaps you consistently try to diffuse a situation in a particular way and wonder why it’s not working. Consider which type of appeal you may be making and try a different approach.
Or use this concept of face for a new way of looking at past interactions. Sometimes that can be enough to loosen and shift an unhelpful pattern.
Moving forward in baby (face) steps
In general, people just want to feel seen and heard. With greater insight on your needs, you’ll be in a better position to communicate that to others. Addressing their needs in ways that are important to them, you more likely to get yours met, too.
A longer version of this article was first published at Medium on April 3, 2024.
